Knock First
by Numbuh Phenon
Summary: All Father wanted to do was have a simple movie night with his favorite nephew. What he got, however, was an eye full of Nigel's girlfriend and a trip to the hospital.


**Disclaimer: **I do not own Codename Kids Next Door.

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><p>Benedict really didn't see how people would be so quick to label him off as "that guy". You know the type. The oily creepers that slinked by you in the mall and that caused the instinctual urge to hide your child behind your back to flare. Seriously. Just last week a woman attempted to ward him off with a picture of Chris Hansen.<p>

Absurd! What had he ever done to be treated like that? Okay sure, _maybe_ he abducted five children and passed them off as his own for a few years. _Perhaps _he had made it his life mission to roast any kid who disobeyed him to a fine crisp. And there was that _one_ time he attempted bake hundreds of live children in a cake.

…okay, _two_ times, but that doesn't prove he's a borderline cannibal.

Anyway, in short, he may have done some questionable things in the past, but he failed to see how any of it mattered now. That was all water under the bridge now. Well, more like forced water. In all honesty, the world didn't really give him a choice of retiring the mantle _Father_, it more or less just happened. The good ol' days were memories now.

None of his colleagues thought it was cool to be an imposing evil adult figure anymore, (_Stupid Toiletnator. He did SO have a life!_) children grew up and ran away, (_Turns out Delightfulization wears off at adolescence, go figure._) and everyone else just…forgot. Operatives who learned to wet themselves at a mention of him in passing didn't even spare him a second glance after they hit thirteen. It was tragic. Which translated into pathetic for those who don't know better. (_All of you._)

Stepping inside the elevator, Ben let out a loud sigh and decided to stop thinking about the past and look ahead towards greener pastures. He pressed the fifth floor button and waited. He would not let somber thoughts dampen his spirits – he was about to partake in his favorite pastime: spending some one-on-one time with his nephew.

Ever since the bald Uno had underwent decommissioning, Ben decided it was time to step-up and be the righteous uncle he was meant to be (_Not because he was desperate, sad, lonely and Nigel was the only person who happened to live nearby. How could you think that?_). It amazed him how quickly they warmed up to each other. Heh heh, "warmed up". He made a funny. You would think they would resent the other's presence, but no sir, they were tighter then two peas in a pod.

They did everything together! They went out on the town like wild young _thangs_ and strutted their stuff, set back and enjoyed a cold one every now and then, and did other manly activities befitting of their tight-knit bond. Him and Nigel were just cool that way. Nigel in no way shape or form wanted to shoot himself every time Ben wanted to chill out. (_Think of a seven letter word, starts with an "S"._) Oh the jokes that boy loved to play! Like the time he changed his cell-phone number and email address without telling him, or the time he claimed he was filing a _restraining order_. Ha! That was a good one! Though Nigel _did_ tend to drag pranks out, the lawyer had been a touch too much in his opinion…

Oh well, he'd just have to give him some pointers later. Ben reached Nigel's apartment door, whistling and humming, his good mood finally returning to full force. He had rented a few movies the day before for his and Nigel's traditional Movie Night. Usually, he would host it over at his mansion, but Nigel was cursed with terrible luck and something always seemed to hinder him from making it. It was either, "I've caught a bad case of the chicken pox. Y'know that uh, rare strand that can infect you twice?" or, "My girlfriend thinks the chinese killed her cat and I need to stop her from burning down their restaurant." It was just so odd these _always_ happened on Movie Night. (_Ignorance is bliss, and denial is hilarious._)

It was probably just karma getting him back for rebelling adult-control when he was younger. But no need to fear, Ben planned on surprising Nigel by dropping in and having Movie Night at _his_ apartment instead. He would be so thrilled! Of course he would, who else could Nigel possibly be spending his free night with in his apartment?

…He felt like he was forgetting something.

Ben twisted the knob and smiled once he found it was unlocked. At least he wouldn't have to use his spare key (_Which he did NOT pickpocket when Nigel wasn't looking. You can't prove anything._) He ambled inside, his mind already a whirr with what flick they should start with. But as soon as he entered the apartment, he panicked.

His nephew had been robbed! He had to have been, there was such a mess in the hallway–someone had definitely caused chaos, kicked down small pieces of furniture…and there were clothes everywhere! Discarded pants… They must have been looking for loose cash, as always, those fiends. There was even a bra! They must have ransacked… Hold on.

Since when did Nigel wear women's lingerie?

Ben cringed at the mental image of his nephew in a mini-skirt. He didn't know why, but perhaps Nigel wasn't robbed. He advanced stealthily towards the kitchen, curious eyes scanning for anything out of order. He shook his head once he saw a peach blouse crumpled in the floor. Ben raised a brow, his pupils tinkling with new understanding. Didn't he overhear Monty saying Nigel had a girlfriend?

Nah, couldn't be. If so, HE would have been first to know. Nigel wouldn't keep something like that from him.

"N-Nigel…"

…What was _that_?

Frowning, Ben turned towards a door that had been left ajar. That feminine sound had come from that room. Still on guard, Ben crept closer as he raised one of his rented movies in defense, engulfing it in flame for extra measure. He still had it gosh darn it.

With his blazing DVDs of doom, he would show those vandals what happened to people who robbed his best pal! With gusto he swung the door open, ready to burn the fools down. Sadly, as it reached mid-swing, Ben's common sense choose _that_ moment to piece together what was going on. By the time he had fully digested it, it was far too late to stop the train wreck.

"Holy shit!"

Skin. Breasts. (_Wow_.)

"Oh my god! Who is he? Get him out! Get out you fucking sicko!"

Manliness. Nigel's manliness. (_Ew_.)

"The hell? Ben? You sick twisted…dammit, I'm naked!"

Copulation. Yelling. Flesh. (_Stare._)

"What do you mean _you're_ naked! You are both guys, I'm the one who should feel violated!"

Incredible, knockout legs. (_Agreed._)

_"Uncle_, you have ten seconds before I call the cops…_"_

Glaring, furious nephew. (_Uh oh._)

"S-Sorry," he finally managed to say, prying his eyes away from the blonde girl's ample bosom. He took a few steps back, muttering a couple of weak apologies, and was torn. He didn't know whose gaze unnerved him more. His nephew's, or his girlfriend's. He lingered over towards the girl, who was twitching in rage, and felt a bit heated when he thought about the position he found them in. Nigel's luck wasn't as terrible as he thought.

"Will you quit staring, you bastard!" the blonde girl roared, causing him to stumble backwards. She partially looked ready to maim him. You know, she looked kinda familiar. Reminded him of broccoli for some strange reason. (_Naked chick=vegetables. Obviously._) He barely registered her covering herself before she yelled again. "What the hell is your problem? Who the fuck forgets to KNOCK?"

"Uh," Ben stuttered. Unfitting of the man who used to hail as _Father_. "Well, the door wasn't locked…"

What happened next was a blur to him. He barely saw her move–probably did all in one motion for all he knew. He just spotted her reaching for a frame from atop the counter, then pain. Sharp pain. Yeeah, he remembered _her_ now. Little supreme brat. Ohh, he was getting woosy now.

Damn, he didn't even get to ask Nigel what movie he wanted to see first.

No movie night. _(There goes his weekend. Again.)_

And then, everything went black. (_Ouch._)

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><p><strong>Well, that was fun.<br>**


End file.
